I grew up terrified of dogs. Deathly afraid. If I heard a dog bark, my heart would ramp up in speed, my body ready for flight AND fight. If I saw someone walking their dog on the sidewalk, I’d cross the street so I wouldn’t come close to the dog. Forget being afraid of scary men while running, I was just scared a random, loose dog was going to come barking and chasing after me. A dog whose owner would say, “Don’t worry, they really are friendly.” (Insert eye roll).
People said just “get over” the fear. Why was I so afraid? So I asked myself the same question. I tried and tried. And I failed. And then the trying became shaming. Oh come on. This is silly. But I tried again. I tried so hard yet was still afraid of dogs.
My harmful self-talk escalated beyond dogs to many things in my life. Especially being a mom. Why couldn’t I just [x]? Why couldn’t I just feel [y]? Buck up, buttercup, and stop moping around.
It wasn’t long before I realized that I was my own worst enemy. If God is setting a table in the wilderness in the presence of my enemies, then I can look across the table and find myself staring critically right back at me.
Continuing the story of my fear of dogs, enter my husband, who is fluent in all things dog. Instead of annoyance at my fear of dogs, he showed me compassion.
Over time, my husband gently taught me the language of dogs. He didn’t focus on what I was doing wrong, nor did he find my fear silly. He sought to understand my fears and didn’t push my tolerance beyond what I could handle. Five years of teaching me about dog behavior, dog barks, dog posture, dog tails, you name it, I slowly became tolerant of dogs. And then we bought our own dog (much to my husband’s excitement). This dog really is my fur baby.
This whole process of becoming not only tolerant of dogs but also loving one was seeped in compassion.
Without self-compassion, we tell ourselves to just “get over” [x, y, z]. We belittle and berate ourselves. And then we wonder why we feel so down for not accomplishing what we set out to do. We begin to see our fears as weakness, and in turn shame ourselves to do better, try harder. Without the tools, language, or knowledge for how to begin to jump the hurdle, we end of becoming even more afraid and ashamed that we can’t just “get over” a certain obstacle.
Would I speak to a good friend this way or my husband? Never. But for some reason, I feel like I can and should speak this way to myself.
I recently heard an incredible speaker, John Onwuchekwa, who spoke about the language of grief. This idea has me thinking about language in general and being able to name things we see, feel, and experience. The idea of naming whatever it is that we are going through, recognizing that experience as difficult or overwhelming or traumatic and knowing that our God sees us in our pain, shares his own compassion with us, and sits with us. It’s what my husband did with dogs. He gave me a language to notice dog behavior, and I became fluent (as best I was able).
Are you fluent in the language of self-compassion?
I tend to judge myself before offering a compassionate listening ear. I sometimes believe that I am the only one having trouble with something I am facing instead of believing that others like me struggle with some of the same things. And I can talk down to myself for not getting something right the very first time.
But God… He stands in the gap of who I am and who I want to be. Who He has created me to be and who I become in this world. The God of the universe shows me compassion…maybe I can show some to myself.
Aundi Kolber, author of “Strong Like Water,” notes that God says we must first love him, but then we must love our neighbor has ourselves. Noticing ourselves means we must love us too. We must show compassion to ourselves the way we show compassion to one another and more importantly the way God shows us compassion. How many of us show the same grace towards ourselves that we might toward a friend?
God says, “Child, don’t you know the progress you have made? Do you forget so easily how far you have come? Please don’t speak to my creation in that way. Yes, I am talking to you, beloved.”
I aim for perfection, and God clearly shows me that apart from Him, I am far from perfect. But that is ok. His perfect love casts out all fearful self-talk and self-sabotage.
To unlock the truth that truly sets me free, I meditate on God’s words.
“He has made His wonderful works to be remembered; the Lord is gracious, merciful, and full of loving compassion.” Psalm 114:4
His character is full of “loving compassion.” There is nothing in Him that would be anything but compassionate toward me. So if God can be compassionate towards me, my sin, my shortcomings, I can follow his lead and show compassion to myself as well.
Words to Practice Self-Compassion (Grace towards oneself)
I am no expert in self-compassion, but (just being vulnerable for the sake of growing with each other) here are some wrods that I have used in my healing journey from depression (but definitely don’t limit yourself):
Instead of shaming myself for feeling overwhelmed, sad, or stuck, I say something like: It’s ok to feel [x]. You’re allowed to feel [x] because this is hard. I totally understand that.
When I continue ruminating on the past, and it’s not helping my current sitaution, I might say: Thank you for that, but I don’t have to think about that right now. That is not something I can control and therefore not entirely helpful at this moment. I would like to focus on [things that are true, good, lovely, Phillipians 4:8].
When my throat gets tight (or when somewhere on your body is experiencing anxiety), I will say: I notice that your throat is getting tight. Are you nervous or anxious about something? Fearful or sad? It’s ok to feel [x]. How can I help in this moment? Do you need to nap? Exercise? Read some scripture? Whatever you need is ok.
When an idea or thought from the past seems too overwhelming for just me to consider, I might say: That thought seems really big for just you right now. Can we let someone else think about this with you? Who else can you tell to help you process that? You’re not alone.
More Resources on Self-Compassion
Like I said, I am no expert, but this simple way of speaking words of encouragement, compassion, and understanding towards myself has truly helped with a lot of the fears and axieties I have faced and will continue to face. You can use them as a start toward your own self-compassion or come up with what you need.
Self-compassion is the catalyst to real change in our hearts and minds. This type of compassion is not only important, it’s crucial for continued healing.
May we be as sweet and kind to ourselves as our God is to towards us. And that’s an order (insert winkie emoji).
How to Practice Self-Compassion: 8 Techniques and Tips
Dr. Kirsten Neff is a wealth of information on this topic of self-compassion. She has practical meditations and books on having self-compassion.
The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and abounding in mercy and loving-kindness.
Psalm 145:8
