The whole weekend turned into a train wreck. Unfortunate event after unfortunate event happened, and I just about shrugged my shoulders– daring any feeling to surface–because I just KNEW these events would happen this way.
I believed the worst because this is what I told myself to expect. And because I believed the lie, I cried selfish tears over my own pitiful events instead of believing God’s best for my life.
At the end of the train wreck weekend, the truth surfaced:
God had a plan from the beginning. A plan for my good; despite what I thought; despite how I tried to ignore this plan by not feeling anything.
And the truth hurt.
I felt dumb for believing the lies. I fear I had overreacted. And my heart vehemently overthrew my mind. My heart screamed that it is ok to FEEL, even if the end result is not what I imagined. And ESPECIALLY when the end result is what you always hoped for.
I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Fear steals joy, and I refuse to fear. Living life in fear and uncertainty puts a shadow on even the brightest days, making them dull and unremarkable.
I want to FEEL.
I want to put my hope in an outcome, maybe only to be disappointed.
But at least I felt.
I want to love someone so dearly only to be left with a broken heart.
But at least I felt.
I want to pray for a certain something instead of a flippant “whatever happens happens,” only to find that this certain something was not God’s best for my life at this time.
But at least I felt.
Keeping my heart so guarded that nothing can penetrate it, I find myself in a prison that doesn’t allow the feelings of sheer anger, sadness, or even being let down to see the light of day (you can read my other post about feelings). Thinking that suppressing my feelings is more freeing than the actual feeling is a dead-end in which I can get myself trapped.
I normally don’t want to get my hopes up too high so I push any questioning or true feelings to the side. I choose to believe a lie of (could-be) pain to deter my heart from hoping in what might be.
Open wide you precious heart.
To not FEEL the overwhelming sadness when Jesus died, resigning to shrugging my shoulders, saying, “I knew it would happen this way. A life ended in death” would be a huge mistake. I would have missed the streams in my heart gathering in power, morphing into a massive tidal wave of elation crashing over my soul discovering He was actually alive?! He had risen and all was saved?! Just like He promised?!
Oh, what sweet sweet JOY!! And to have missed out on those feelings because I had shoved down any emotions that gave me the slightest bit of hope!
To FEEL is not weakness. To FEEL is strength.
This life. I choose this life in all of its abundance. Abundance of emotions both heart-lifting and heart-wrenching.
Dipping toes into cool, wet, moldable sand that leaves goosebumps on your legs. Smelling sweet star jasmine on an evening summer walk. Observing the perfect fluff of cotton clouds against a crystal blue backdrop of sky. Feeling joy while laughing so hard tears form, breath is lost, and abdomen cramps.
Listening to a friend talk about her fears of the future. Calling a parent to tell them that you don’t know what happened, but it’s not going to happen this time. Praying for reconciliation for our nation. Feeling heartache and sadness while crying so hard there are no more tears, breath comes in ragged inhales, and you feel sick to your stomach.
I want to feel every one of these feelings. The good, the not so good, and the necessary.
We must feel to grow, to empathize, to appreciate a life-changing moment from an awkward moment. We experience and practice feeling. Always getting better at verbalizing how we are feeling when we spend time with a certain feeling. Don’t be afraid of the negative emotions like anger or sadness. Because when you allow yourself to actually feel these emotions, growing closer to others happens, heart-strengthening sessions ensue, and empathy flourishes.
A friend recently told me empathy is born not necessarily from experiencing the same circumstances others have experienced but finding common ground in each other’s emotions. And in this space, there will not be a lack of feelings, but an abundance of grace-filled feelings. Friend, I hope you welcome all feelings.
Next Steps
Here are some helpful articles I found when looking at practical ways to acknowledge some of those emotions we’d rather not feel or even emotions you can’t even name. There are some really great ways to assess how you’re feeling even by just pausing for a moment when you feel the tension.
How to Deal with Negative Emotions and Stress
A 9-step guide for How to Process Your Emotions
A great Christian perspective in Processing Emotional Pain
A printable Feeling Wheel to help you name an exact emotion
