The waning sunlight splashed a beautiful golden hue on green leaves. The trees peacefully swayed in the light breeze. Walking the asphalt path beside our neighborhood pond, my husband held my hand in one and our dog’s leash in his other. I wore one little baby son, and my other toddler son diligently pushed his fire truck over the bumpy path. The sun danced on the surface of the water creating a beautiful glimmer of ethereal simplicity. The goodness of God was very tangible to all of our senses.
Unaware, we did not realize an enemy lurked to attack in this picturesque Eden. A black and yellow enemy with a fierce stinger hidden to steal the joy from those moments.
As I stopped to help my oldest son get his truck over a large root in the road, I felt wings tickle the back of my leg. A severe pinch followed, ending in a searing pain tearing through my Achilles heel.
Confused, I handed my youngest over to my husband. Before I could think further, I saw my older son’s face turn from a smiling, happy boy to a boy in excruciating pain.
My mama heart raged as the goodness of God became corrupted by this enemy.
I quickly grabbed my son and started running, pushing the ache in my leg to the recesses of my mind. The most important item was to get him to safety.
I felt my leg give out in pain after a quarter mile, but I kept stumbling to safety. I ripped the yellow jacket stinger from my son’s hand. We both safely met my husband on the other side of the pond. My body shook subliminally from the shock of getting stung by this enemy yellow jacket.
Where did he come from? Why did he sting us? These questions plagued me like the pain that constricted the back of my leg.
Physical pain is one battle, but mental pain is truly taxing and very personal. Suffering from anxiety and depression puts a mental strain on mind, heart, and seeing the goodness of God in the land of the living.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 ESV
Almost 6 months ago, I was suffering from postpartum depression and decided to take an anti-depressant. Taking the medication brutally backfired. Worst case scenarios occurred as I endured panic attacks and new anxieties that I had never before experienced. I felt detached from reality, suffered from insomnia, and questioned who God was. I felt like I was holding on to my life by a blade of grass. Nursing became an exhausting anxiety-filled struggle. Thoughts in my mind ran rampant, and I cried hourly that I would never be the same.
Nobody seemed able to understand the full extent of the emotional turmoil I endured, and I felt more alone than ever.
I pleaded with God to please fix it. To wave a magic wand over my whole situation and just make everything better. To please snap his fingers and produce a perfect ending. And when He didn’t, I felt abandoned. I felt forsaken. I felt all of the things He promised He would never do. God promised to be with me, stand with me, help me, fight for me, support me, give me strength, uphold me, do all the things for me…
I know He is good, but I expected Him to take me out of the equation entirely and do all of the battle.
No, God doesn’t magically make everything better. He doesn’t do this because He has given us the ability, the strength, and the power to fight these battles. And thank you Lord that I was able to recognize He was fighting for me. Every anxiety-filled turn was met with songs, bible verses, text messages (so many text messages), phone calls, a handwritten letter, a vision of Jesus, and God’s own church surrounding me through all of the chaotic noise.
I was not alone nor was I abandoned.
Each moment I thought that this would be the moment to capsize the whole boat, God had masterfully curated the exact email I needed to read at the exact right moment. Or the most perfectly worded text message popped up on my phone. Or a phone call from a friend saying she had felt the need to call at that exact moment. And asking how could she help. In each confused moment the goodness of God was so evident.
Side-note: Never underestimate the little nudges to reach out to someone because they are life-saving
Surrendering our own plans, our own fears, our own wild imaginations is scary. Learning to trust that wherever the road ahead leads is for good is also a scary endeavor. And when the road seems too painful or confusing to endure? That is even scarier.
The antidote to being lifted out of the anxiety wasteland and into the peaceful streams and fields of the goodness of God?
Naming all of the ways in our own life that God has been faithful to lift our burdens. To remember how you’ve seen the goodness of God in your own life, in the life of a friend, in a testimony that you thought would never come about. Remember when He sent a helper, fostered a relationship, or just patiently sat with us morning after morning as we tearfully fumbled through so many doubts. List them out, speak them back to yourself, and remind yourself that God was with you then. And He is still here with you now. The goodness of God is all around if we take the time to quiet our minds and rest in God’s grassy fields.
The point is not to focus on the yellow jackets and be fearful of how they might come or when they might come. Or even when this bee finally stings, how you will get over it.
The point is to trust God’s goodness. To trust that He is working all of the sting for your good. And to trust that this encounter will only make your faith stronger.
Just as I instinctually held my son, God faithfully holds us when we endure pain that stings or when we run too far on our own. When we feel waves of worry, we can surrender each anxious thought at the feet of Jesus “because he cares about [us]” (1 Peter 5:7). We take heart and are brave because he has overcome the world of worry (John 16:33).
God will carry us, sweet mama, just like I carried my son. But my son had a role as well. He had to first surrender his own pain. Then he had to trust that jumping into my arms and running was better than staying still and wondering, with tears in his eyes, what had bit him. And then he needed to rest in my arms.
I admit I want to stay in my own tears and pain sometimes.
I have worried myself awake all night, exhausting myself with the little sleep I have gotten. But we must remember what has been done for us: Jesus, the son of God, broken on the cross…for us. How could God love us any more? By breaking our own idols down and showing us that He is all we need.
The yellow jackets of this world won’t cease to exist. But we can surrender our dread and trust that God is with us as we walk around the pond of life. Each step we take towards trusting him is a step further from our own fears and doubts and closer to His heart. And then we can remember His goodness because He is with us right now. The same God who has been faithful and loved you through the good times is still with you now in the not-so-good times. Trust that He is good and that His love endures forever and ever.
Your turn
What do you need to surrender in this moment?
Every minute, I remind myself to drop my shoulders and give whatever I’ve been worrying about to God. He already knows what I’m worrying about. He is just waiting for me to give it to Him to take care of.
The more I practice letting go of the things that I was never meant to control or dwell on, I can feel my mind release these thoughts. I’m free to think about the good, pure, even fun things God has for me. It’s not easy, this I know. And I definitely don’t do this perfectly. But I am practicing with you daily. Grace is given and vulnerability is experienced in the surrender. When I confide what I am most worried about with God and with others, I feel the tension ease and the burdens that once felt so great are now shared.
