“Mommy sad,” my two year old looked earnestly at me; his long, dark eyelashes framed inquisitive but caring hazel eyes. Noticing the tears brimming in my eyes and splashing down my cheeks, my sweet son reached a small palm to my arm and drew me in for a hug. Knowing what I had promised myself earlier—that I would not cry again at dinner—made the tears fall faster because my heart knew this was not living life in abundance. But what could I do? To where had my joy suddenly vanished? My tears flowed more frequently these days than the joyful laughter I usually experienced. The gospel I knew and found comfort in became a shattered fairytale, a twisted kaleidoscope I couldn’t see through clearly.
In the beginning of my motherhood journey, every morning would feel like Christmas.
I rushed to see my new baby boy lying in his bassinet. I cooed over every smile, every blink, every new milestone. Now, mere months after the birth of my second son, I would lie awake praying for sleep. If I gave my brain an inch, fearful thoughts would overflow, bursting the gasket and flooding my mind with terror and confusion. Hypothetical situations crowded my mind, creating a home for chaos where peace used to reside.
If you’re like me, you wonder, why now? If I am praying fervently to God, why do I still feel anxious? Is God even here with me? And we hear the enemy scream straight into our fears, igniting the dry timber, “You are the one who He has left. You are alone. No one else has the doubts and fears you do.”
Has my faith really become this weak? I quietly whisper into the night. And the enemy quickly announces, “Yes.”
The enemy feeds on our fears, demonically cornering us so he can get a moment alone with us. He knows that if we keep these fears self-contained, we will draw deeper and deeper into ourselves. We will desperately fumble for the light switch to flood our hearts with the hope we believe we have lost. We will cling to the truth that seems like a distant dream.
Thoughts and feelings can oftentimes conceal facts in the minds of people faced with anxiety or depression. When we feel a certain way, we believe God feels the same way about us. But, Paul clearly denies this in Romans 8. Because of the gospel, these thoughts and feelings are not our true cornerstone of confidence and faith. Jesus took the death we deserved and became the resurrected, living gospel message for all, bridging the canyon between us and God. The light of the gospel shines truth into the darkest places and breaks open doors that have been locked. Hearing the gospel truth is what saves us from condemning ourselves. The gospel shouts of the good news we already have access to. “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).
Because sin entered the world and evil consumed us, God, in his great mercy, already had a plan to save us from our own sinful flesh.
Donning human skin and gracefully living among us, Jesus faced the same angst and fear we currently face. He trusted God to fulfill his promise of saving us from eternal condemnation. Jesus looked at all the hurt and pain that surrounded him, and he wept for us. He became deeply moved by our humanity, and yet encouraged by the radical faith surrounding him.
Furthermore, Jesus walked in the ministry of love for a full 33 years before the crucifixion — God wants us to know that he takes the time to see our human pain, know our feeble mama hearts, and grace us with steadfast love in and through our overwhelming fears. God is the real hero in Bible story after story. He is faithful in all circumstances no matter what our thoughts or feelings scream. Even in our doubting, we can remember that God is the faithful one, gracious to hold on to us when we feel our grasp weaken [1]. When we were dead in sin, God welcomed us into his eternal kingdom, raising us back to life with his son Jesus.
In fact, my joy and sadness do not define God’s grace for my life.
The gospel of God’s testimony is the realignment our hearts need when we are in despair and our minds have taken over. When we realign our hearts on this truth, we surrender our own plans (hypothetical or real) and trust the plans he has for us. “Trust the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will makes your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Even in our fears and doubting the truth, God meets us daily with his unfailing love and mercy. He brings helpers who share in our suffering; sings songs of peace while we try to sleep; and allows visions of Jesus reaching his hand out in comfort saying, “It’s ok, my child.”
The bottom line is this–
Our joy is found in reorienting our motherhood on the true cornerstone, Jesus, and aligning our hearts with the gospel. What does the gospel mean for our lives? The gospel means free to do nothing but free to do everything. Free to think and freedom from condemning thoughts. Free to love and be loved and the freedom from self-sufficiency or “in my own power” grace. When we feel weak because our fears get the best of us, our children, husbands, friends, and extended family see the true character of Jesus. In our weakness, God’s strength is glorified. We become living examples to those around us of the grace and love God shows us each day. Allowing the truth of the gospel to transform and renew our hearts brings true joy to our motherhood journey.
[1] Psalm 73:23
Prayer for you, Mama
Dearest Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your grace, your wisdom, your timing. Thank you for coming in our weakness and setting us free from the strains of this world. When we can’t stand, have reached the end of ourselves, or felt the inadequacy of our offering, let us stand on the cornerstone of Jesus. Thank you for Jesus and how His life became the perfect offering, covering all of our inadequacy.
Lord, you are the perfect Father. Your love and your mercy never end. You are faithful through and through. In every trial, in every valley, in every pit of despair, you meet us. We know we are not alone.
Father God, thank you for the joys of motherhood and thank you for the sanctification that brings us closer to you. We can’t do this on our own, and we are so blessed that you have given us this role. We ask that you would work through us, be the light in our households and communities, and allow your peace and grace to shape the culture around us.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Notes for the truly despairing
*I write this from a perspective of faith. But faith in God does not dismiss the need for medical help. A therapist telling you you are going through spiritual warfare and you need to pray harder is never the answer. After not getting the medical attention needed, I became very ill. Mentally ill. But I didn’t know how to overcome it. I would pray, trying to cast the devil from my home, but nothing changed. Looking back, I see God’s gracious and loving hand trying to lead the right people to help me. But postpartum depression had drifted toward postpartum psychosis.
I couldn’t rationalize anything. My faith became weak if not completely stripped from me, my mind a toxic wasteland. I thought it was my fault, and an OB and multiple therapists led me to believe that I was the crazy one, telling me “anxiety sucks, honey.”
I write all of this to say, please know you are not alone. You are never alone. Don’t be afraid to get the help you need whether medication, hospitalization, or other medical help. Being a mom might be hard, but it is not impossible or hopeless. When you feel like you can’t breathe and there is no way out, I pray God sends you the help you need if you feel too lost to reach out. There is hope and there is help.
Get the postpartum help you need here.
This post is dedicated to the precious individuals who didn’t let me walk this valley alone. You are the hands and feet of Jesus, the ever-present Helper to the troubled.
