No one could have prepared me for what a labor does to you, through you, in you. No one but my doula, Meg, and my husband, Jonathan. Now looking back, I can’t imagine going through labor without help. The education and knowledge I learned from taking the all natural birth class Mama Natural empowered my husband and I before heading to the hospital. With the newfound confidence, I felt “in control.” While I technically had no “control” over labor, I knew that Meg and Jonathan were not going to let me fail. Failing defined in my own terms as using outside measures to do what my body can do naturally: to bring my son into this earth bright-eyed and alert. With all this being said, there are some wonderful awesome things I have learned while giving birth au natural.
So It Begins…Friday
Meg came over at 10:00am for a breakfast of cinnamon rolls and eggs and to get this “show” on the road. My legs were still hurting badly from a 3 mile walk earlier in the week, but I was insistent on not being induced. So we walked around the lake several times after breakfast.
About our second time around the lake, I began feeling the sensation from the night before; an almost radiating “pain” beginning in my back and wrapping around to my front. This was at 1:00pm where we begin the 36-hour journey of a natural birth. Meg began timing my contractions They were becoming consistent. If this was labor, I could handle this! It was all about the knowledge I had.
As we walked, my brow would furrow. I would hold my stomach as the movement moved through the lower half of my torso. We talked and walked, and it was all very pleasant. We came back inside, and at 3:00pm Meg helped me clean my pump. I pumped for 5 minutes on each breast to continue to keep labor progressing. After pumping, we kept walking as contractions continued to become more consistent. The baby was moving lower and lower and we knew it was only a matter of time before we would finally meet Baby Bennett!
That night we decided to watch the documentary “Free Solo.” During the documentary, my contractions were continuing to be consistently 5-6 minutes apart and lasting 45sec-1min.
In hindsight, there is incredible symbolism between this documentary and birth. We watched a man defy fear by tackling a mountain “free solo.” The strength, endurance, and courage he had was the exact strength, endurance, and courage I (and my birth team) would soon have to harness to succeed this natural birth. It was midnight when the movie ended, and we decided it was time to sleep. My contractions increased in length to 1:15 and were 5 minutes apart.
That Night
Back in the bedroom, I could not fall asleep. The contractions were getting more intense than they had been that day. It was all a mental game where I became a prisoner to the darkness. It was me against my ever present contractions. I could not handle them on my own; breathing deeper and lying on my side was no longer comfortable. I could hear Jonathan breathing deeply beside me. I wished sleep would overtake me so I could endure the contractions again in the morning.
2 hours by myself in bed with my contractions was more than I could handle. As I timed the contractions myself, they became closer and closer together. They were about 2 and a half minutes apart. In my head, this screamed, “You’re probably 5 centimeters! Baby’s head might be popping out any minute!” Little did I know, this was not the case. Ugh, little did I know how my body would handle this first pregnancy.
No Rest for the Weary
My deep groaning/breathing woke Jonathan up. In my present state of mind, I knew we had to rush to the hospital. Jonathan called upstairs to Meg, and Meg rushed down. At 2:30am it was time to go to the hospital. I changed into my “hospital” attire (yoga pants I didn’t mind getting dirty and a green shirt), and Jonathan grabbed the hospital bag and got the car ready. When I got outside, I promptly squatted by the car because the next contraction felt a bit intense. I was getting more and more excited knowing that our little one was probably going to make his or her entrance into this world today!
Calling the doctor, we told her about my contractions and that we were on the way to the hospital. She did not seem concerned. This was disheartening, but I was still ready to be admitted to the hospital where we could continue laboring.
Hospital Bound!
We rushed into the hospital at 3:00am, and Jonathan quickly told the nurses at the desk, “My wife is in labor!” It was like a scene from a movie. And I couldn’t help but beam through contractions. The front desk nurses didn’t ask any questions (they also didn’t seem overly concerned). They whisked me back to OBED in a wheelchair. I felt pure excitement because I thought that a few hours later I would be meeting our little one. HA!
The nurse checked my cervix at 3:15am to see how far along I was. I was almost certain I was 4 or 5 centimeters, but I was only 2 and a half. Not even fully effaced. 90%. What?? Even with the knowledge I had, labor would be its own animal, and my body would open up when it felt ready. The baby and my body were talking, but I was ignorant of their communication.
When Time Moves So Slowly
The nurse told me she would check again in 2 hours, so what did we do? We walked up and down the halls of the hospital. Taking each hallway like it was a new adventure. The exciting part was that we were going to meet our baby today. My main goal was to not think about the time, to not look at a clock, and to trust that Meg and Jonathan would tell me what to do and when to do it.
After walking up and down the same three (possibly 4) hallways, we returned to the nurse at 5:15am. She promptly told us we were 4 centimeters and we could make our way to the labor and delivery room. The centimeters were disheartening to me because I thought labor would progress more quickly. But nonetheless, all the little changes that were happening from driving to the hospital to getting to OBED and moving to the labor and delivery room were enough of distractions where I was more excited than fearful.
Onward to the Birth Room
At 6:12am, we got to the Labor and Delivery room. This is where things started to get blurry. I almost wish I could have traveled to many different rooms just to make things more interesting. For every centimeter, you would travel to a new room during a natural birth! Then my mind might be distracted enough to not feel the fingers of each contraction grip my body, squeezing just enough to make me really notice.
Every hour I was hooked up to a fetal monitor to check baby’s heart rate and to check my contractions. The first couple of times was bearable, but as labor contractions started getting more intense, this became very annoying. This time element played with my head. I knew at the top of the hour, I would have a nurse come in and hook me up. Time was moving soooo slowly.
I also had to have antibiotics to treat Strep B every 4 hours for a certain amount of time. In my head I would have the required two rounds of antibiotics and be ready for our baby to come out. I’ll just say, time was not my friend this day. Time was moving incredibly slow, and I willed myself to not look at the clock nor think about the nurse coming in to check heartbeats and contractions. It was a distraction that was not welcome.
The Natural Contraction Game
Contractions started out fairly simple, beginning in my back and rounding out to my front. Literally feeling like a wave pounding over me. I knew once I hit the peak that the backside was just coming down from the high. This was manageable, and I was able to take advantage between the contractions and wait it out.
I tried to anticipate the next one so I could get mentally focused. But sometimes my strength failed me, and I waited a little too long to get ready for the next contraction during this natural birth. When this happened, these natural contractions would take over my whole body. I would be at the mercy of each of these contractions. There was also a monitor that would show me, Meg and Jonathan when each contraction began and when it would end. I dared not look at this monitor.
The Mental Game
Again. It was all a mental game. I knew that when a contraction came on, I needed someone at my front so I could squeeze their arm, shoulder, or shirt. I also needed someone at my back putting pressure to counteract the intensity of the contraction on my back.
If Meg or Jonathan left, I could feel myself tense up knowing I couldn’t face a contraction without both of them by my side. As each contraction took over my body, I would emit a guttural “loooooooooow.” Jonathan, in companionship would do the same. It helped keep my head in the labor game.
Slow, Exhausting Progress
I continued laboring and the doctor came in from time to time to check me. From 6:12am-10:00am my body had not opened up anymore. From 10:00am-1:25pm I had made progress of one centimeter at a time. It felt like so much work for one measly centimeter. I bawled each time she left the room because in my head this was not progress towards a natural birth, and I didn’t need to hear these short increments.
The doctor came in at 11:00am to discuss breaking my water. I knew that breaking my water would continue to move my labor along, but it would also intensify my labor process. Having my water broken did not make me afraid; I was afraid of reaching the stage of Transition. My body shook at the thought of it. And of course, it was the fear of the unknown. I knew it would be unbearable, almost like being tortured, and did I really want to endure that? Yes, ultimately, I did. Who was I kidding?
In my head, I knew that I could not handle hearing these small increments. Meg quickly saw this, and she requested my doctor make general comments like “You’re getting close,” which made me feel better. Like I said, I was not looking at the clock anymore. After two rounds of antibiotics and no baby, I decided to push time out the door as well.
Almost Giving Up
We labored on the bed, the ball, the toilet, squats in front of the bed, back to the ball. Jonathan and I slow “danced” around the room to Ennio Moricone. I just had to keep moving in order to keep my labor progressing. In my head I was thinking, I could end this pain. I could ask for an epidural and all the pain would go away. But I had also heard so many stories where the epidural didn’t take, where the epidural slowed labor down, and I was not ready to go backwards.
The constant contractions washed like waves of pain over my whole body. Keeping my eyes closed helped me to focus on the goal of birthing a baby naturally. Also repeating in my mind that I was “in control” helped as well.
I did ask Jonathan at one point “What if I just did it? What if I gave in?” I’m so glad he didn’t hear me because I was looking for justification in that moment. I was looking for someone else to give me a lifeline out because I was not the type of person to give myself this “easy” way out. I was the type of person to push myself beyond and to not give up.
Transition
According to Jonathan and Meg, I was in Transition for about 2 hours of this natural birth, from 7:30pm-9:40pm. This was the most excruciating pain and anxiety I felt the whole time. Intense, inconsistent, and agonizing contractions occurred; sometimes they would wash over me like a wave that I had experienced before. But mostly they would come and COME and continue to COME, building in intensity upon the last, leaving me breathless and exhausted. With each wave that beat up on me, I became more and more discouraged. I just didn’t know how much longer I could last.
When You’ve Got the Urge…
Honestly, I had an urge to poop. I just knew if I could poop, I would relieve some of the pressure down there. My body wanted to push but was told to not push just yet. The fear of ripping myself open promptly helped stop me from pushing. It was difficult to stop the pushing because everything in my body was screaming at me to push. We were on the toilet, and I knew we were nearing the end because different sensations were happening. Joy, the sweetest nurse, said, “We need to get her to the bed.”
Show on the road
I spent a few more contractions squatting before the bed. My “show” aka poop was all over the floor, although I have no real recollection of this. I just felt this urgent need to push. Like an involuntary tremor.
And then the doctor entered.
I couldn’t have been happier. Because a doctor meant we were finally coming to the end of this ultra marathon! To the end of this day! To the time to announce our baby’s birthday! And in that moment, I didn’t care if I ripped myself open, ripped myself from hole to hole like I feared. I wanted this baby out, out, OUT!!
Big Push, Big Shove
Pushing could take 1 hour, two hours, but I didn’t want it to take that long; this stage of my natural birth was something I could not handle. I was praying the Red Raspberry Leaf tea and dates had done their trick of making my uterus strong and for the process of pushing to be short and sweet.
So despite being right or not, I pushed with all my might. This was 9:40pm. With everything inside of me, I pushed. I remember screaming my first push, and it felt so good to just scream like I had seen in the movies. But Meg quickly told me to conserve my energy and push my voice down and out with each contraction. Once I did that, it made more sense to not just scream my head off, like a tea kettle releasing steam. I needed every ounce of pressure to push Baby Bennett out.
Your Love is Fierce
I could hear the song “Fierce” playing as loud as it could in the background.
“Like a tidal wave
crashing over me
rushing in to meet me here
His love is fierce.”
Fierce by Jesus Culture
I knew that this tidal wave washing over me was God’s love for me and this little one inside of me. This new love was not going to come without a fight just as God fights for us in our daily lives.
Deep pain collides with ultimate joy. It is a magical experience to feel very powerful as my body performs exactly how it should perform. Tough and exhausting, labor feels like being tossed around in the undercurrent of a wave, trying to reach the shore. You’re shoved underneath the water over and over again. And if you panic, you won’t catch your breath.
Meg and Joy told me when to push and when to break, but mentally, I wanted to keep pushing until the doctor announced the baby was here. No breaks. My mental strength kept me going. This involuntary tremor kept me pushing. Meg telling me to continue to push was all I needed to keep going.
Selective Hearing
I didn’t even hear the doctor say that Sam was in a bad position in my birth canal. That I really needed to give it all I had for that last push or she would need to do something “extra.” I didn’t even see or hear the other emergency people come into the room. It was like I was in the zone for this natural birth. I could feel the doctor opening up my cervix (or vagina, not sure but there was A LOT of pressure down there) and making room for the baby to come out. Embracing being split open with each push, I didn’t even care at this point.
There was an audible “Pop” as my chest folded in on itself, which surprised me at first, but the pain didn’t stop me from pushing with all my might. On my very last push, I didn’t even wait for a contraction. I wanted my baby out, so I pushed with every muscle in my body, with all the mental strength I had left, for this little life inside of me. In a moment of joy, I was thinking, “This is it.” All this pain was finally ending. And I had made it to the finish line.
Welcome to the World, Baby Boy!
At 10:06pm, I felt a hard ball push through my vagina, and then I felt something squirmy slimy slip out. I heard, “It’s a boy!” and I heard crying… from my baby. I felt this slippery being on my chest, and I cried. Tears of pain, tears of “I had done it” and tears of joy filled my eyes. Jonathan’s tears and praise brought me to tears as well.
A real human being had just been born through a natural birth. A little angel who we had dreamt about and prayed for and felt moving around in my uterus. We were now being introduced, face to chest. Jonathan was over the moon, praising me, praising Meg, praising our birth team. He hugged everyone in the room and his smile could not have been more bright. I could not be prouder of him as my husband. I almost forgot we could now speak our baby’s name aloud. It was a magical moment full of emotion. I was still groaning (I think it was ingrained in me from the past 36 hours), and we called my parents exclaiming that their grandson had entered the world.
Moments Etched in Time
It’s a moment I hope to never forget, to always remember. His little body on my chest. His strong efforts as he made his way to my breast for the first time to nurse. How I believed he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. We had done it. He was here, peaceful and bright-eyed. And I felt like I had given my baby a true gift of being completely present for his birth.
Natural Birth Reflections
Looking back at my birth a mere three weeks later (when I wrote this whole account), the details of the day diminish and fade. The pain doesn’t seem as real and the hours of labor lose their gravity. Would I do a natural birth again? The question was asked right after giving birth to Samuel. Heck no. I couldn’t imagine going through that again, but now less than a month later, I can’t imagine doing it any other way.
The whole process is so natural. I want to be an active participant in my child’s birth. There is such beauty in the process of a natural birth. Albeit painful, there is primal strength in those hours you literally cling to your husband as you “dance” around the room. Because if you don’t dance you’ll cry, and you do cry; feeling the sweet relief in those last few minutes before you feel the urge to push; the overwhelming joy you feel as you can now finally DO something instead of just enduring the pain. All the pain has led you to this exact moment when you will meet your son or daughter.
Bottom Line
Yes, there is pain, but the pain subsides and you’re free to enjoy your precious baby once he or she is here. The yelling, grunting, groaning, scrambling, cheering feels so natural in the delivery room. It’s almost like calm comes from the chaos. Feeling your body become so powerful, and knowing mentally you can do it, is so empowering. And it doesn’t hurt to have the most fantastic birth team on the planet helping you every contraction of the way. You feel like a rockstar, and you want to tell every mom that they are a rockstar and so strong for giving birth! Power to the mamas!
