An Unexpected Baby Reveal

When I was pregnant with our Baby Boy, I was asked how I “revealed” my pregnancy to Jonathan, to our family, and to friends. When I tell them I called my husband at work and said, “Well, I took a pregnancy test. Do you want to know what it said?” People are a little disheartened (and ultimately confused) at this uneventful, unexpected reveal. His answer being, of course, “Yes,” and mine being, “It’s positive.” That was it. That was the big reveal that we didn’t anticipate.

Does that surprise you about our baby reveal? Now hear me out. My husband and I were excited to see two pink lines. But after two miscarriages, we wondered if we would ever see past The Bump pregnancy timeline that shows your baby is the size of a {insert fruit}. 

After planning a cute reveal for our first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, we were a little more hesitant the second go-round. But then after the second miscarriage, any ideas for a “reveal” were forgotten. All we could do was pray to God that if we were blessed with pregnancy a third time, this pregnancy wouldn’t end in miscarriage.

While holding that pee stick with the two pink lines very close to my chest, I reveal nothing to anybody (except my husband).

Not until I have the actual proof, the heartbeat, the ultrasound confirmation announcing that this baby has a fighting chance. I’ve been burned twice before; I know what it feels like to get my hopes up and then to realize this is not the plan. Even when I get solid confirmation of a sweet heartbeat from my midwife, I know in my heart that God is good, but we don’t always understand His ways. So, yes, this baby is growing in me, but he or she is not really my own. 

There is no way to know the outcome of any of this. I, of course, want prayers from others, but I don’t say anything about the pregnancy because I don’t want to raise any hopes. Jonathan and I stay “cautiously optimistic” the whole first trimester. The space between appointments is like a war zone of emotions as every prick and cramp brings me to my knees in worry that I did something wrong. That this baby is not going to survive either because of something I’ve done, said, or even thought. 

I hold my breath until the next doctor’s appointment.

When the next doctor’s appointment comes around, she tells me…hold on…just a second…my heart stopping for the briefest of seconds as she tries to find the heartbeat…ok, found it. Good, strong heartbeat. I tell myself I’ll be more relaxed this next month while growing the baby and waiting for the next doctor’s appointment. But the second she takes the doppler off my belly, I worry that something went wrong again. 

I tell my boss I will not be coming back to work next year. But, would she please keep my position for me if everything doesn’t go exactly right during birth? She doesn’t quite understand, but I tell her, “You just never can be too careful…” and I tell myself I don’t want to “jinx” anything. I don’t want to say anything wrong and undo any of the work that’s already been done inside of me. Although hopeful and excited, I keep these feelings to a dull roar.

I honestly felt so much anxiety and thought I had to run and hide if I ever became too excited about the prospect of having our baby.

Oh, what lies I told myself.

There is no jinxing or speaking events out of existence. Fortunately and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to help nor hurt a baby that makes its way into my uterus. I didn’t need to do anything, especially worry.

So as we ready ourselves (we’re never truly ready, but you know…) to try for a sibling for Baby Boy, all of my fears re-emerge. The act of getting pregnant is the easy part. Getting past the first trimester is what seems to be the difficult part. So I know that even if we see two pink lines again, this doesn’t guarantee that we will get to meet this baby this side of heaven. 

But…

These worries don’t change the fact that God is good. I will continue praying and remembering all that God has done, the tears He has held, the peace He has given, and the prayer warriors He has put in my life for such a time as this. Thank you, Father, for these reminders that we are not our own, but belong to you. We give You our plans. May your will be done.

Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father, You are our hope, fully living and thriving. You provide all that we need. Lord, we are trying for another child. It’s scary and exciting to put ourselves out there again. But Father, we trust in your perfect timing, in the perfect way you care for us. We give you all of our anxious thoughts and we pray for your perfect peace. Please come into this space. I put my hope in you, God, and I will continue to praise you, my Savior and my God (Psalm 42:11). In Jesus’ name, we pray, Amen.