Just when I think I’ve escaped, postpartum hormones wash over me like a fog of darkness.
The sun has set, and my husband and I are usually sitting on the couch by the time postpartum sets in, like doom and gloom. No matter how great the day was, how “successful” I felt, postpartum settles in like an unwanted parasite.
My thoughts go haywire, and I physically have to reposition myself on the couch because suddenly, I’m very uncomfortable. It’s like a feeling of inadequacy, or, and I don’t know what other way to describe it,…hopelessness. Because hopelessness makes me feel distant from God (which intellectually I know is not possible, but still…), and I can’t handle feelings of hopelessness.
All of the most shameful moments of my life come back to haunt me, like a highlight reel’s worst nightmare. I’m going to go all Harry Potter on you and hope you’re able to keep up ;). I feel like I am staring at a boggart. For those that don’t know (or need a refresher), a boggart is basically a shapeshifter that lurks in the darkest of spaces. It has no definite form, but takes the shape of that which is most feared by the person who encounters it.
And, can I be honest? My fear is that I will be found out; uprooted like an unassuming sapling, and tossed into the fire. That this “mom” job is really too great for me to have. In my mind, I am still living in the past, fumbling through my faith, feeling more shame and guilt than grace. All of the thoughts that I have suppressed from my “wild” times, all of the sins from my past, come racing out of the gate and they trample me into the dirt until I am rendered hopeless. Inadequate. Forsaken (shudder).
These postpartum thoughts yell at me, “He will know. Your son will know you’re not perfect. He will see your flaws. He will not love you because of these flaws.” And when I am all alone in my head with these thoughts, they rule. They trump everything I know to be true.
But—are you ready for this?
Jesus. Breathe Him in.
Have you ever heard the saying, “Don’t tell God how big your problems are; tell your problems how BIG your God is”? He is SO MUCH BIGGER than all of yours, my, anyone’s fears or weakness. In fact, His power is made PERFECT in my weaknesses. So you know what I can do? I can boast all the more of my weaknesses because it’s not about me. Isn’t that an incredible thought? This isn’t the Emily show. Thank you Lord for that. It’s the how-can-I-become-less-so-that-He-is-more show.
So, the sun sets, and my husband and I are beginning our nightly routine. And lo and behold, that pesky boggart emerges, ready to shame me. And I combat him with a positive blow, “God loves me.” Boom. “He is for me.” Boom. “He has never left my side.” Boom. Thought for thought we battle. Sometimes the boggart still wins, capturing my thoughts, but Jesus is always in my corner, and I know I am not alone.
Dear friend, whatever you might be going through now, whatever trials and tribulations you may be facing, just know you are not facing them alone. I hope you feel God’s presence as you tackle whatever it is that is causing you fear, pain, grief. He is calling out with you, desperate to drown out the thoughts of the boggart. Will you let Him fight for you?
Your Turn
What positive thoughts do you speak over yourself when shame and guilt come knocking? Leave a comment and let us know so we can have plenty of ammunition when that boggart calls!
