Looking down at my son, our hands intertwining and interlocking as he nursed, I couldn’t believe I had exclusively breastfed him these past 11 months. Now as the end of his first year of life was fast approaching, the thought of weaning him overwhelmed my heart.
I remember beginning our journey together. We had made progress in the beginning, my son nursing for eternity on each breast. Then we took several steps back due to his tongue-tie being clipped. Following the procedure, he seemed to have forgotten how to latch. After several trips to the lactation consultant (Baby Boy performing perfectly for her…insert eye roll), I finally felt like we were getting somewhere. But it wasn’t a perfect journey. He would nurse beautifully with me or he would scream and cry and push me away. Not only an up and down journey but, as everyone always warned, I knew our time nursing would not last forever. Because of this knowledge, I tried to absorb every feeding, imprinting it into my brain wrinkles as though it were our last time together, wanting to remember this time together with my son.
From tears to triumph to tender moments of smiling at one another, weaning was going to be another challenge that I would have to face with my son.
Why does being a mom have to be so emotional? Just when I become accustomed to a certain way of doing things, my child continues to grow and change, keeping me on my toes.
The thought of not nursing was an exciting prospect of newfound freedom several months ago. Now weaning was becoming a source of anxiousness as I realized our time together in these dear moments was coming to a close. This chapter of nursing my son was ending; the flipping of pages speeding up as time raced to the next chapter.
In our worst days, nursing is an untimely chore. But in our best days, it is a sweet reminder of a gift with which I have been blessed. A sacrifice for me but food and comfort to my son. My son is none the wiser about this predicament if you want to even call it that. I will not hold this over his head as blackmail to return to any time he’s ungrateful. Oooor maybe the “sacrifice” I have made for him is a perfect reminder. Heehee. As you see, I haven’t given it too much thought 😉
This time together of nursing is bittersweet thinking about and rejoicing over weaning.
As I determine the “right” steps in the actual weaning process, plotting the steps out in my mind versus the actual implementation of weaning are two different tasks. You would think it would be methodical and unemotional. But as I drop one feeding at a time, I wonder how my son will feel. At worst, in my mind, he feels abandoned, alone, away from his sole comfort. At best, he learns independence, a new way of growing up, and a new relationship with his mommy.
As I become sad at yet another milestone I have to face both willingly and forcefully, I hear a quiet voice. I pause my thoughts as this simple message is repeated:
“I will be here.”
A song and a whisper. God reminds me that He will be with me. God in all of his glory, assuring me quite simply and profoundly that he will be with me every step of this process and onto the next one and the next. He promised this to me from the beginning, and not just in this moment. But I easily forget I am not alone.
That simple phrase etches itself in my mind, and a sweet comfort washes over me. He will be with me. God will be with me. Even as emotional as weaning might be, I can now face the 11th month of my son’s life with this new hope.
Bottom Line
Every decision as a mom is so difficult. Never cut and dry as the articles I read. But God will be here. He will hold my hand as I remove feeding after feeding. He will give me wisdom as I try to explain how I feel about the whole situation. And He will soothe my heart as tears form and fall.
God will be here. As I hold my son through this whole process, God will be here, holding me. And we will move on together, to new beginnings.
Next Steps: Change is inevitable. And as this song below sings, “…seasons are made for change.” This song was sung every year in my sorority on Preference Night, and it makes me cry every time I hear the lyrics. I forget it sometimes, but when I remember this song, it’s such a sweet, simple reminder of who a good friend is. Because in everything we go through, God, just like a very best friend, will be here.
I hope this song brings you encouragement as you listen to and read the lyrics.
