I used to roll my eyes and smirk when Mom would give me her solicited advice about finding the right person. As a young girl, teen, adult, I was searching for love. I would try to ask her differently each time to see if I could get a more specific answer. But alas, it was always the same, “You’ll know when it’s right!” An obviously not-obvious answer.
My mom would talk about this “sense” of knowing (she used many hand motions and became very expressive when telling her own story…love you, mom 🙂 She explained knowing when the timing was right and the person was right. I took copious notes because I wanted to make sure all my senses were open to the idea of love, a soulmate. If I was to have an innate “knowing,” then I didn’t want to miss it.
“When you know, you know,” was always the hackneyed advice. I was young, no real life experience (or love knowledge for that matter). What if I didn’t know?
When I discussed this topic with friends, our mindsets differed. There was the stance of a Mr. Perfect. Someone who would mold so perfectly into your life, there would be no grievances, no annoyances, no “thing” wrong with this person. This man would mold so perfectly into your life that you could continue in your linear fashion; he would come along right beside you in perfect harmony. No growing or changing required. We didn’t say this outright, but we figured there wouldn’t be any real work in keeping him around. Alternately, this point of view was quickly disproved after several first dates, and Mr. Perfect was no one we were meeting.
In another category entirely, there was a Mr. Right Now. This person could be replaced exclusively based on your season of life. This person was someone that might come and go. You didn’t believe there was one person for you, but many people. Relationships could be taken and given away like clothes that fit right one week and then become out-of-season the next. And that was okay because there was someone else around the corner for your next season of love.
Love was analyzed.
How did you know you loved someone? What about the times we thought we “knew” and those relationships ended in heartache? If you’ve ever endured love and loss, then you know that love can be amazing, paralyzing, exciting, and finally shattering. You never knew a heart could pulverized to a pulp so savagely that the thought of loving again seemed hopeless.
And here we cue Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer with the fitting song “Love Stinks” (yeah, yeah).
As my husband and I celebrate our 9th wedding anniversary (11 years of knowing one another), I am no expert in the field of love.
As I look back, hindsight gets a Lasik makeover, and my vision becomes 20/20. All of my previous “loves” become very clearly wrong.
I have learned so much about the “knowing” and not knowing through my 30+ years of relationships.
There were crushes and unexpected loves, heartaches and heart breakthroughs. Roller coasters and flat lines.
Then there are the ones you remember and the ones that just make you laugh (because of their absurdity). There are the ones you thought you’d never get over and the ones that wouldn’t let you go.
Instead of the advice, “You’ll know when it’s right,” there can be other ways to figure out who that person is (I wrote about this previously).
When our sons and daughter ask us for our wisdom in knowing who their “right” person is, I hope we will point to the One who is constant, who loved us before we even knew what was true, unconditional love. The One who embodies all of the characteristics of love so perfectly that we have everything we need to satisfy and sustain us. The One, God, clothes us in perfect love, “…which is the perfect bond of unity” (Colossians 3:14).
God is love. He proves that His love is:
…patient and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
This great love covers a multitude of sins and a multitude of sinners.
“Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”
1 Peter 4:8 (AMP)
There is no need to stress and worry about who is right or not right, but only the a commitment to discovering love and all of its characteristics. All parties become emotionally invested. In these loving relationships there is plenty of mutual agreement, amicable discussions, and respectful disagreements. Each person is truly serving the other person.
We are in a continual process of establishing ways to love each other. Sometimes we have to start over. We always need to listen. Constantly having to set down perceived false narratives, we communicate trust and perseverance.
We tirelessly build upon our first moments when we felt our Savior love us. A love that did not judge or inhibit us from coming close. We are not worthy of the love our God infinitely gives, so our love for each other is radical. Knowing we are both far from perfect—imperfect human beings trying to show love to the other—we rely on God to shape and mold our hearts in love.
I will rejoice and be glad in your faithful love because you have seen my affliction. You know the troubles of my soul and have not handed me over to the enemy. You have set my feet in a spacious place.
Psalm 31:7-8
Maybe love will overtake you and you’ll just know when you know…and then again maybe you’ll know when love is explicit, indisputable, and unmistakable. That is hopefully not the worst advice ever.
My dear husband,
I thank God everyday for your loving me and loving me to the best of your earthly ability. I am so lucky to have you. We are both a work in progress, yet we work together to understand each other better. This in turn grows our love for each other in our strength and our weaknesses. We learn to protect each other in those weaknesses.
These weaknesses help us to rejoice all the more in the grace that is showered on us from God, who loves us to perfection. I am thankful to serve this great, big God together.
You constantly amaze me in the ways you show me kindness and patience. Love is how you lead. I pray to never take you or your actions for granted.
May our hearts always protect, trust, hope, and persevere in the ups, downs, ins, and outs of our marriage.
I love you unconditionally. You, my love, are my Mr. Right.
Happy 9th anniversary!
