Blogging turned into a game of give and take. I would give my heart and soul to my writing. The reaction from others would take my heart and either strip it down to an envious beast or ply it full of self-glory. There seemed to be no in-between. My identity was wrapped up in others’ opinions and what they thought of me and not what my Heavenly Father thinks of me.
I had begun writing for a purpose (you can read more on that here): to put my feelings on the page. I wanted to connect with others through similar experiences. And I also needed to work through some of the turmoil in my own heart (ahem, for instance, like now). But I was quickly learning that relying on the applause of the world was like watching a turtle cross a busy highway: cringe-worthy and painful.
Rooting my identity in writing about God was not the same as being rooted in God.
Some weeks I would be as high as the fluffy white clouds in the sky on the comments and praise of people who loved what I wrote. Other weeks, I would feel like I had been a disappointment, the discontentment literally raging in my heart like an out-of-control wildfire.
Who was I performing for?
Social Media.
I was writing about all the truths God had written in his word, the Bible, but I was still focused on the accolades of the world.
Before I relied on Instagram to promote my writing, I had no idea how my posts were doing analytically. I was releasing my heart on the page and letting God do the rest. Then I began pouring into Instagram. And the slow trickle of resentment and sadness turned into a full-on firehose spray that stung and burned.
“But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t boast and deny the truth.”
James 3:14
Trying to find my identity in the followers I gained, I literally spent all of the little man’s nap time and then some on this platform. My thinking was that if I could just get one more like, one more follower, then my role as “writer for God” could be satisfied. The instant gratification from others was like a drug that I depended heavily on for my fix.
My identity in social media was a pendulum that swung back and forth with no regard for who I was or what I was doing.
I had made social media my god. And even though I begged and pleaded with God to release me from the bitter jealousy, I continued to dip my toe into the hot lava that burned with no remorse. I knew what needed to be done, yet I couldn’t quite let go of the praise that came from others. And sadly, this had become more important than my identity in God.
In the book of Hosea, God asks Hosea to take a promiscuous wife. How utterly traumatizing.
He has to choose a wife who will basically abuse his love; who will find her identity in the arms of other lovers instead of her own husband. He chooses Gomer as his wife. This story parallels how the Israelites have been promiscuous with their love toward God. Following other lovers, the Israelites choose food, wine, oil, and cloth as more important than their relationship with God. God has given them everything they need to survive. Yet the Israelites have forged and created man-made sculptures that tell them exactly what they want to hear (not need to hear). Forgetting God in everything they do and say, slowly but surely, the Israelites have given over to their sinful nature.
“…She put on her rings and her jewelry and followed her lovers, but she forgot me…”
Hosea 2:13
This verse broke my heart because this is who I had become. I would don the prettiest face and smile, put my best-dressed self forward, and follow my lovers…the people who would tell me what I loved to hear. Their opinion of what I was doing mattered more than what God was whispering to me.
I was placing my identity in the thoughts and opinions of others and forgetting God’s thoughts and opinions of me.
The Israelites, and I, had found our identity in everything (and everyone) EXCEPT who God says we are.
And yet, even after being forgotten and pushed to the side, God is still trying to protect this promiscuous wife; to call her home to him. Israel needs punishment, but God continues to call his own to him. God is faithful even when his people aren’t. When we fail to remember him, create our own gods to tell us what we want to hear in each moment, God wants only to show us his love over and over again. To prove he is the one our hearts actually long for because there is nothing in this world that can satisfy like him (This world cannot give that satisfaction).
“Therefore, I am going to persuade her, lead her to the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.”
Hosea 2:14
God has given us a name. He calls us his son and his daughter. We are redeemed from our past sins and blessed because of what Jesus has done on the cross for us. He calls us his beautiful bride.
But we are here, in this world that screams loudly in our face, shouting names, obscenities, and even niceties, wooing us to all things that are not God. And we forget him.
But God calls us back to him.
We can put our identity in…many things. Other’s opinions. Ambition. Success. Jobs. Family. The list is endless. Because everything is good that comes from the Lord, and we are sinful at best, we can place our identity in something good that God has given. With a longing thought or misplacement of our hope or an imagined world in our soul, all of these things can start to take the place of the joy that is God.
Upon reflection of this past year of blogging, I would say God has been pruning my heart, tending to the vine, cutting off everything dead and not growing. He has been constantly wooing me back to him and creating a deaf ear to the noises of this world.
And over time, the game of social media doesn’t burn as much. And it won’t burn so much when my identity is truly in Jesus.
Ruth Chou Simmons said in a recent episode of “The Boymom Podcast” discussing social media that her 17-year-old son had just created an account on social media. But he had not joined to merely post selfies or make his Instagram account about him. He had created a purpose for why he was joining social media. I thought this was a high level of maturity on his part as well as some great intentional parenting from Ruth and her husband. She wanted him to know who he is in Christ before letting him walk into the fires of social media, letting others comment and give their opinions on who he is.
Ruth, as well as many wise parents, know that social media can be a sucker. Sucking the joy, time, and purpose of our lives. I want the same for myself as well as my own sons. Speaking the truth of who God says they are daily will prayerfully combat what the world tries to tell them.
Let us run to God, who knitted us together in the womb, who longs to tell us who HE says we are. Who yearns to tell us what he has created us for. When you perform for God, he tells you that what he creates is good and you, my friend, are a masterpiece.
“19 And I will make you my bride forever. I will make you my bride with goodness and justice and with love and mercy. 20 I will make you my faithful bride. Then you will really know the Lord.”
Hosea 2:19-20
Your Turn
A bible study from Cru that explores who you are in Christ.
Another bible study about avoiding identity crises and finding your identity in Jesus.
