How to Love Your Husband: Sowing Fruit in Your Marriage

Many of us have heard the popular song by The Beatles all about love. If we haven’t heard the song in its entirety, we at least know the chorus that repeats like a broken record, “All you need is love (insert harmonious tune)”. The part that might not so easily come to mind is the line that states, “It’s easy”. And then proceeds to fall back into the chorus. To love your husband is a blessing, but it might not come so easily if we focus on the wrong things.

So I have to ask– John, Paul, Ringo, and George, if it’s is so easy to love, why have we not gotten love right yet? Why do we seem to fail at the basics of loving our husbands well again and again if “all [we] need is love?” 

We know that sowing fruit in our marriage is an act of love in itself. Pouring into our marriage before the hard moments means loving your husband well in all moments of matrimony. But what does that look like?

You may say “I love you” all the time, but are you actively loving your husband in your marriage? Are you showing him love with each action you take or each thought you think?

I’ll tell you a little story.

It all started with a wet sock and ended with a filled dog’s water dish. 

Going back into the bathroom, I put away my son’s towel from his bath. As I was walking back near our shower with socked feet, I felt a wet sensation permeate my sock. Holding my socked foot up in the air, I just about let out an exasperated sigh at my husband’s puddle of water from an earlier shower. I knew this puddle of water was merely kindling to set my heart ablaze with frustration. Do you know how awful it is to step into a puddle of water with a dry sock? It’s so annoying

The wet sock was one event in a waterfall of events that caused my eyes to roll skyward.

Why was I so annoyed? 

I was annoyed at myself for getting frustrated with my husband. I was annoyed that my husband would create this puddle of water again and again. And I was really annoyed at the fact that I couldn’t say anything because I am a stuffer.

I am a stuffer by nature. Being an Enneagram 9, it’s easier for me to stuff my thoughts, feelings, annoyances rather than voice them. Voicing them would cause conflict, and I HATE conflict.

But as I stuffed each moment I became even more bothered, and these thoughts matriculated to my heart. They fertilized the initial petty annoyance morphing it into an insatiable breeding ground for the enemy to build HIS lies that festered and blistered. 

First it was: My husband doesn’t listen.

Then it was: My husband doesn’t care what I say.

And finally it mutated into this belief: My husband doesn’t care about me.

On and on, as I stuffed, the enemy shoved these not-truths in my face. He was eager for me to believe all the lies in my annoyed state. And each time I thought of moments that annoyed me, I readily believed the lies instead of voicing my concerns with my husband. 

The enemy loves to get us where he knows he can win: in the solitude of our minds.

But you know what happens when you meditate on God’s word and rely on the Holy Spirit to guide your heart? He calls the enemy out and uncovers the REAL truth about love and marriage and your husband. Your husband is not the enemy; the Devil is your enemy.

As I stuffed each moment I was bothered, I continued praying to God to change my heart to one of love for my husband. And when you ask God for his help, he always shows up.

As I wrote in my journal, praying over this, YouVersion, always showing up, brought this verse to me:

“For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

Matthew 12:34

Feeling very convicted, I thought to myself, “Out of the abundance of my heart, my thoughts have been birthed.” I, unfortunately, had not given my husband my abundance. I had let the enemy tell me what to think about my husband, and I had believed it.

The Message version of the Bible says,

“It’s your heart, not the dictionary, that gives meaning to your words. A good person produces good deeds and words season after season. An evil person is a blight on the orchard.”

Matthew 12:35-36

As my mind spawned life to the words I was thinking, my heart grasped these words and created a story with them, a false belief about my husband.

My husband was not doing any of these things AT me. That is what the enemy wanted me to believe. My husband was merely being in his own home, unaware of what was causing my annoyance because I had not voiced anything to him. How could he know some of the things he was doing was bothering me so much? The short answer? He couldn’t.

Instead of thinking about all the ways my husband was irking me, I thought about all the ways I could serve him better. This marriage is not all about me, and maybe I needed a mind and heart shift. Again, my husband is not the enemy. All the blame can’t be placed on him. 

Jesus already took all of the blame. My sinful nature has been crucified with Jesus on the cross, and God has given me new life. A life of abundance. Loving your husband is an act of saying no to the enemy and yes to Jesus.

So, as I thought about serving my husband, I filled our dog’s water dish, satisfying the dry pump of our bougie canine fountain and thereby silencing the noise of a pump coughing on air and gasping for water. A sound that irks my husband beyond madness. How do I know this sound irks him? Because he told me. And how do you love your husband well in this moment? By filling that bougie water dish.

The fruit of the Spirit will show up in every part of your life…if you let it. As you invite God in to all the dusty corners of your life, he will show up. He may tear down. But he will always rebuild. By not walking in step with the Spirit, thoughts can seriously damage and harden a heart towards loving your husband. These thoughts leave you both hurt and creates a stake of division between you both.

What does God intend for this fruit? 

God longs to create an abundant heart of love and kindness towards our husbands. It is wise to love our husbands where they are for who they are. We can create a safe space together to share thoughts and feelings. As we seek God’s wisdom for those feelings of (annoyance, anger, frustration, etc), we will cultivate a heart of abundance for our husbands. Because from the overflow of our hearts, our actions, attitudes, and demeanor flows. 

What or who is stealing this fruit? 

It seems that a mixture of circumstances and listening to the enemy’s direction creates the perfect concoction for stealing content hearts. As we allow the enemy to lead, our hearts will eagerly follow because of our innately sinful nature. We cannot trust that our annoyed, irritated feelings are the truth. They are merely the wind and the waves disrupting our focus on loving our husbands well. Relying and holding on to God’s love is the only way through this storm.

How do we cultivate rich fruit in the dry seasons of our marriage? 

Ultimately God gives us this fruit because he is a giving Father who loves to delight in his children. But we can also call the enemy out, read about the true heart of God, and ask for wisdom in how to love our husbands best (You can read more about celebrating your husband here). By relying on God, we can cultivate fruit that goes beyond the seeds merely scattered on the top layer of the soil. As our thoughts take root, we must lean into the truth that our husbands are not to be blamed for all of our frustrations. As we go through dry seasons, we can ask for God’s guidance in changing our thoughts from one of blame to thoughts we know are true—

My husband loves me.

We can work through [insert what it is] together.

God is drawing us closer to Him as we seek to love each other better in our marriage.

And you will find that loving your husband results in a rich harvest when you follow the Sower himself.

Your Turn

What are the trigger areas in your marriage that seem the most difficult? Sometimes we can pinpoint certain moments in our marriage that result in friction whether for us or our spouse. When you find the trigger point that ruffles your feathers then you can determine why this bothers you. And then you can answer…

Is it the act itself that bothers you or is it the underlying narrative you are writing? What statements are getting tagged with this event that you are believing to be true? Determining the why behind your bothered nature will help you determine a way to move forward.

How can you voice this concern to your husband in a way that expresses love? Do you need to just say it, get it out in the open? Or do you need to write out the bottom line to make sure you don’t skirt around the point? Either way, getting it out in the open will hopefully make all parties feel better.