Do you remember what first drew you to your spouse? Can you remember the exact moment you knew that this person was special? I’m not necessarily talking about love at first sight or hoping for “The One” but having a deep heartfelt connection with another person. A kinship you didn’t necessarily find with any of the other dates you had had.
8 years ago, when I met my now-husband, Jonathan, that moment happened. And it still comes to my mind like a very tangible memory. A special moment where I knew there was something different about the man sitting across from me that I had not seen in other guys. A surprising spark of chemistry that I thought didn’t really exist.
And I dared myself to ask, is this “The One?”
Now, let me preface this question because I was not one of your typical late 20s girls (that was when Jonathan and I first started dating). I was not looking for “The One;” I didn’t even know if I wanted to get married or if I was capable of being married. So much pressure was put on my age and gender demographic from the society that I had pushed aside any chance of actually meeting “The One.” If it wasn’t going to happen, I wanted to be the first to negate that stress from my life.
I didn’t have a long list of items written out for God to provide for me in a man. My mind was not wired that way. I didn’t dream about my wedding, nor did I have any clue what that wedding day might look like.
I did, however, listen to my teaching pastor Andy Stanley. He told me to become “the person who the person I’m looking for is ultimately looking for” (Andy Stanley “The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating”). My early 20s had led me down a path of selfish desires and stubbornness. Running from God, I sought the here and now instead of the future. When I returned to know God, I took this statement to heart–and began working on myself.
I joined a small group, started volunteering in the children’s community at church, volunteered outside of the church, and began regularly journaling and reading my bible. My heart turned, and words poured from my soul that I didn’t even know were there. When I thought about marriage, I wanted a godly man who loved Jesus and treated me with respect. There was my list.
So, eight years ago when my now-husband opened the door for me to an empty Thai restaurant, led me to a “reserved” table for two, and waited until I sat before sitting himself, I was intrigued.
As the date progressed, I couldn’t help but notice his eyes. They sparkled and danced and crinkled as he told me stories of his life. Then he waited patiently for me to tell my own stories. His eyes were intently focused on mine. His eyes seemed to ask my heart, “Will you trust me with your stories? I really want to know more about who you are.”
Now, I will tell you, I guarded my alone time and space fiercely, but I found myself not wanting the date to end. But, as is always the case, after fro yo, the date came to an end. He walked me to my car and watched as I safely made my way out of the parking lot.
Each date was like this. On our second date, my car got booted. Jonathan waited hours with me (canceling his own plans for the rest of the night) for the guy to come and take the boot off my car. He didn’t act like I had inconvenienced him nor did he act like I owed him anything. This was a normal act for this man. He loved to serve the one he was with.
As we moved forward in our relationship and discussed marriage, I could actually see the future…and it didn’t scare me like I thought it would. When I had initially thought about marriage sans a beau, I was terrified at the prospect of being so open and vulnerable with someone. It seemed exhausting! But, notably, I could imagine being with this man all the time. In fact, the longer we dated, my need for my own space and alone time diminished because he was starting to feel like family.
And who makes you feel more comfortable than family?
So, how do you know he is “The One”?
I imagine Amy Adams listening to the lyrics, “How do you know he loves you? How do you know he’s yours?” from the fairytale “Enchanted.” Many of you who read are married, so I’d be curious to hear your stories of how you knew your man was “The One.” But I have only my story to tell, so besides Jonathan loving Jesus and loving others, here are three ways he caught my attention, and I knew my man was the one for me.
1. Does he listen to you? Does he ask the little things like how your day is?
When Jonathan and I first started talking on the phone (we met on eHarmony…that’s another story :), I loved how we could spend hours talking. And not just one or the other talking but both of us sharing stories. I usually can fade into the background and become a great “listener.” Meaning, if you don’t ask me, I won’t tell you. So I loved that he wanted to know about my culture, background, family, and everything. And now, he listens to me when I need to vent or tell him how I’m feeling or even if I want to daydream and make plans.
2. Does he put your needs above his own? Does he ask how he can help you?
Jonathan does such a good job of asking what he can do to help. I can’t always voice what I need or why I act the way I do or why I like bowls on the bottom of the dishwasher and spatulas NOT in the dishwasher. But he is patient and loving as I work out what I need to say and what I need to understand myself. His willingness to listen makes our conversations a safe place to say what we feel.
3. Do you love spending time with him?
I knew there was something special when spending more and more time with Jonathan was what I wanted. And he will be the first to tell you: I had my reservations about spending so much time together at the beginning. I was even so bold (yes, me. BOLD!) to tell him I didn’t want to see him on one of our earlier dating days because I didn’t know how great my need for alone time was. I didn’t realize this until it was too late. As we grew to know one another, I felt more and more comfortable around him. And even now, I love our family time together of just us going and exploring different places.
4. Oh, and BONUS! Are you able to laugh and have fun with him? 🙂
I love to laugh. I used to say I share the same favorites as Buddy the Elf: Laughing is my favorite. We love to laugh at silly jokes, make up crazy dances, and adventure together. And when Jonathan smiles, it’s like a rare jewel that travels all the way to his earnest eyes. He may not guffaw like me (yes, I cackle, snort, and cry from laughing so hard), but his laughter starts small until his whole face is cracked open. I make it my mission to try and make him giggle at least once a day. Heehee.
Little by little, I noticed how God provided for my every need with this man I was spending more and more time with. Even now, 6 years later, I am amazed at what God knew about me before I even knew that part of me. And he gave me all the grace in this handsome man. This man who supports me, welcomes my thoughts and opinions, and loves to be my partner in life. I didn’t need to provide God with a list. He had already created a list, loving me through this man, and showing me he had taken care of every last detail. Thank you, Lord!
How do husbands love well?
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Ephesians 5:25-27 NIV
So here we are, on this side of time. Another year of marriage, another year of learning, another year of loving you, my dear husband. Another year of “I Do’s.” Marriage is never easy, but marriage is easier when two people long to serve God and draw closer to him while loving one another.
And Husband, I’m so glad God knew my list better than I knew myself when he gave me you. I would never have been able to list out all the ways you are perfectly made for me and my unique personality. I am so glad you are “The One” God gave to me. Now, let’s eat donuts, clean up the crumbs our little toddler has scattered everywhere, and let this mama rest because, at 31 weeks pregnant, I need a nap 😉 haha! Cheers to six years of marriage and 8 years of getting to know you, my love!
Prayer
God, your ways are mysterious, but we thank you for making them known to us and giving us one another. I will never comprehend how great and wide and high is your love for us. But I am so thankful for the marriage you have given me. We seek to have you at the center of our marriage and family. Lord, please give us wisdom on how to love and serve each other well. Please grant us the courage to speak up when we feel hurt or misunderstood. And Father, allow us to keep no record of wrongs as we learn to do life together. Yours, Lord, is the gift of love. Thank you for your wonderful example of sacrificial love. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.
