I stare intently at the lyrics on the screen. I feel my vocal chords strain as I try to project my voice louder and louder. Maybe the louder I sing and the harder I stare up at the black ceiling of the church, the more likely God can see how much I need him to hear me.
My husband and I stand close to the stage of our church. Each of us singing our own heart cry to God. Whatever we acknowledge as true of the desires deep in our hearts, we both hold one desire in common: to be seen, known, and through it all, loved. And ultimately to have all of these desires met through the One who also knows the deepest regrets of our hearts.
As I frantically force my voice louder, I believe that if my actions match the intensity of my heart, I can coerce God to move closer than he already is to me.
But all this straining and pushing and “trying” always leads to discouragement.
If I can’t feel God’s presence, I try to man-make those “good” feelings. When all sense of his nearness is alarmingly absent, I forget the promise of Romans 8:38-39.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
When you’re going through a dry season of feeling God’s presence, the lack of the sense of feeling God near can drive you to doubt, fear, and panic.
In forgetting the truth of Romans, the anxious feelings press in all the more. My urgency to know God’s love is amplified by singing louder and louder to an empty ceiling.
“God, I need you now. Are you here? Are you listening? What more do I need to do for you hear my heart cries?… Do you still love me?“
Sometimes (ok, let’s all be honest, a lot of times) I wonder does God really love me? I know my deepest sins, the ones that continue to surface despite my efforts to “be good.” I know my thoughts, and I know God hears them.
I love God, and intellectually I know He loves me. But sometimes I need to FEEL that love in order for it to be true. So does a lack of feeling God’s presence make him any less near? Does an absent feeling of “good” mean I am any less loved?
I know God loves them, but does He actually love me? I tell my kids all the time that God loves them, and I mean it. Of course He loves these little creatures. Jesus says in Matthew 19:14,
“Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”
My children and their child-like faith see God so plainly. He is another person at the table. The Kingdom of God belongs to these little beings who take God at his word and have faith that He will do what He promises.
There are so many people who honor God so much more than me, why would God love me? If God doesn’t need anything from me except my love and worship, why does he choose to love me?
Right before I step off the ledge into the ocean of despair, my eyes squeezed shut, I feel God quickly press in, “Why are you shouting, Dearest? I’m right here. And yes, especially you. I love you. Don’t you remember when I left the other 99 and came for you? When you were farthest from me in sin, I came running for you.”
I realize then that all of my striving and shouting is a vain attempt for God’s affirmation of love for me. God’s love was never taken away from me. I am just like my 1, 3, and 5 year old as they struggle for my attention that yes, no matter what, I love them. I will always choose love.
Recognizing God hears our quietest pleas, we don’t have to shout to get his attention. He is already attuned to our hearts, knowing our prayers before we speak them. We don’t have to shout any louder for his attention; He knows our heart before we even speak a word.
What does it look like to quiet our anxious thoughts with the perfect love and grace of Jesus?
What does it look like to stop stressing and grasping and shouting and, instead, internally absorb the truth that God knows our needs before we even can name them? Even when we can’t FEEL it? That God’s ocean of love never runs dry for us, and that He meets us first with love each and every time we turn and face Him?
Listening to Psalm 42, my middle son, Zachary hears the verse, “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?” and he in turn asks why is the man so sad? I tell him that this man loves God, but he has a lot of mean people after him. He doesn’t know where God has gone. Zachary merely laughs knowingly and says assuredly, “But God is in his heart!”
Lord, our blessed assurance, strengthen our faith and give us peace of mind and heart when our enemies lurk near. When we fear the worst, that you have left or forsaken us, remind us that you show us nothing but grace and love. Nothing can separate us from God or His love; there is nowhere we can go that you won’t find us, for better or for worse. We are yours and you are forever ours.
7 Bible Verses to Remind You of God’s Love
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters…This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:16, 19-20
For the mountains may depart
and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
says the LORD, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10
“Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said, ‘I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.’” Hebrews 13:5
“For God so loved [you, me, your neighbor, that annoying person at work, etc.] the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
Let not your heart be troubled, dear reader. He really does love you, me, and each individual in the whole world.
